I'm not that girl.

Hands touch, eyes meet,
Sudden silence, sudden heat
Hearts leap in a giddy whirl.
He could be that boy,
But I'm not that girl
Don't dream too far, don't lose sight of who you are,
Don't remember that rush of joy.
He could be that boy,
I'm not that girl
Every so often we long to steal,
To the land of what might have been,
But that doesn't soften the ache we feel
When reality sets back in
Blythe smile, lithe limb
She who's winsome,
She wins him,
Gold hair with a gentle curl,
That's the girl he chose
And heaven knows,
I'm not that girl
Don't wish, don't start
Wishing only wounds the heart,
I wasn't born for the rose and pearl,
There's a girl I know,
He loves her so,
I'm not that girl.

Why is it always so hard to accept?

 Why don't we ever learn? 

Why does our heart always yearn

for what may possibly never be ours?

You meet someone who you think the world of,

and hope that it will work out.

But, there's always the "other girl"

who's prettier, smarter, wittier, skinnier.

The girl who he does choose. 

We all have these experiences.

It's the embracing, learning from, and moving on

that seems to be the tough part.

Keep your head held high,

don't dwell on the past,

don't remember the feelings of holding them in your arms

or wish for it to be different.

Because it only hurts you more.

Prove your strength and courage.

Knowing one day you'll go far.

Hoping one day, it will work out.

And you are a better person because of these experiences.

You learn something from every relationship, 

every chanced-meeting you have. 

Find that, grasp it, and watch yourself grow.

Because I Knew You....

I've heard it said
That people come into our lives for a reason
Bringing something we must learn
And we are led
To those who help us most to grow
If we let them
And we help them in return
Well, I don't know if I believe that's true
But I know I'm who I am today
Because I knew you

Like a comet pulled from orbit
As it passes a sun
Like a stream that meets a boulder
Halfway through the wood
Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
But because I knew you
I have been changed for good

It well may be
That we will never meet again
In this lifetime
So let me say before we part
So much of me
Is made of what I learned from you
You'll be with me
Like a handprint on my heart
And now whatever way our stories end
I know you have re-written mine
By being my friend...

Like a ship blown from its mooring
By a wind off the sea
Like a seed dropped by a skybird
In a distant wood
Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
But because I knew you

Because I knew you

I have been changed for good

And just to clear the air
I ask forgiveness
For the thing I've done you blame me for

But then, I guess we know
There's blame to share

And none of it seems to matter anymore

Like a comet pulled from orbit
As it passes a sun
Like a stream that meets a boulder
Halfway through the wood

Like a ship blown from its mooring
By a wind off the sea
Like a seed dropped by a sky bird in a distant wood

Who can say if I've been
Changed for the better?
I do believe I have been
Changed for the better

And because I knew you...

Because I knew you...

Because I knew you...
I have been changed for good.

This is Jenna Harris. She changed my life. I met her in 8th grade at Kaysville Junior High School. Once we officially met, and talked to each other, we instantly became best friends, and were literally inseparable after that. We did everything together. Jenna taught me so much. I would not be the person I am today, if it weren't for her. We live 5 hours apart now, don't see each other as often as we'd like, don't talk as much as we used to, and we don't spend every waking hour together. We are both so different from the little girls we once were. We have progressed in life, dreams, and passions; we've grown up. We definitely have our differences, but I love her more than words can say. She is a truly amazing young woman, and I am so grateful for her. Jenna, because I knew you, I have been changed for good. "For Good" from Wicked is mine and Jenna's song. We have sang it together since 8th grade, it sums up our relationship so well, and will always be "our song."

I love you Jenna!

This is Miss Sharly Ann Hiss. Another amazing girl, who has changed my life. I met Sharly my Junior Year of high school, when I moved to St. George, Utah to attend Tuacahn High School for the Performing Arts. We didn't become really good friends until our senior year. Sharly has helped me through so many self-discovery and life-changing processes. She is so spiritually connected in the universe and all that it holds. She is such a wonderful example of truly being yourself. She accepts, loves, and supports me in who I am. I don't know where I would be without her. She's amazing, and so talented. I know that we will be friends for life. I love you Shar! :)

Kaitlin Clark. What I would do without this girl in my life, I have no idea. I can say that she is literally my biggest fan. She loves me, she supports me, she doesn't judge me, she listens to me, she helps me. She is the best fan anyone could ever ask for. ;) I know that I can talk to her about almost anything. She listens when I need to vent, I tell her all my problems and she is constantly trying to help me solve my next dilemma or give me some great ideas or advice. She is also very helpful in keeping me distracted  from my life problems, always coming up with some crazy idea to get my mind off of things. She is a wonderful friend, and I love her to pieces. Thank you for everything Kaitlin. :)

This is just a few of my greatest friends, women who have made a huge impact on me and changed my life for the better. I am so grateful to have such amazing people in my life. Thanks for all you do. And thank you to each and every person out there who I can call a friend. You are all incredible, and I am so lucky to have each of you in my life. You have all made an impact, and have all left a permanent mark. I love you.

One Layer at a Time...

Your hot, sunny rays have burned my skin

A hue of cherry now spreads its wings

The heat that can't escape

Is trapped inside, looking for a way to break loose

The fire has taken flight, and the physical pain is no more

But now, I must rid of the emotional ail

So I shed my skin to set it free

But my heart is still holding on to those strings

One layer at a time, I will peel away

The pain, the anger, the hurt, the betrayal

I will keep my head held high

And prove to you that I am strong

I will not let you see what is stirring inside

My outer shell may display the corrupt canvas

But slowly, it will heal in time.

All I need is the time to recover.

Broken Glass

Life is so fragile. We take for granted how lucky we are to be living, experiencing this world and it's creations. I don't think we realize just how delicate life is, until we lose someone close to our hearts.


Life is like a glass, so fragile, so easily broken. Once the glass is shattered, there's no going back. It's gone forever, never to be the same glass again, but could be used to make a new glass somewhere down the road. When our "life glass" shatters, we pass on from this world... who knows where we go- whether you believe in heaven or hell, some other form of afterlife, or reincarnation- but your pieces may be made into new life, or a new journey.


Live everyday like it's your last. Laugh. Smile. Love. You never know when your time will be. Leave a legacy, leave with kindness in your heart and a smile on your face. Show love and respect to all, passion and hope leading you along the way. Live your life to the fullest.

Neverland

Growing up.... Growing up is so hard. I hate it! I just want to be a little girl forever!
I wish Peter Pan would come find me and fly me away to Neverland with him.
Making grown-up decisions, getting a job, making your own money, making more decisions, everyone scattering and going their separate ways...

I have some pretty BIG decisions to make within the next couple of weeks, and the sooner I decide, the better. But I am so torn. There are always several options, with the outcome being positive in many. So how do you decide? A friend once told me that once you make a decision on something- you just have to go for it, commit to it, and take the ride. Don't think about it anymore, cuz then you'll just try to talk yourself out of it. Well, it seems like I've talked myself in and out of all of the options so many times, I just don't even know what I want anymore!

Why does making these life decisions have to be so hard?

I see and watch so many people around me getting engaged, getting married, being in a relationship, becoming pregnant, having a baby, moving out, buying their own house, going to college.... it's SO crazy to me! We are still so young! I'm not ready to grow up yet.. I still feel like a child sometimes, there are so many things I still want to do. Why can't we go back to the careless childhood days of riding our bikes, playing in the sandbox, eating popsicles and playing with toys? It all seems to go by so fast. I remember being a child without a care in the world, free to explore the universe and use my imagination, like it was yesterday. But, at the same time, it feels like it was ages ago. Does it ever slow down? Do we ever stop growing up??

I'm ready to fly. Neverland, here I come! :)

Skip ahead about 30 seconds... it's just her talking about the song, and Scott Alan.

This is Stephanie J. Block singing Never Neverland (Fly Away) written by Scott Alan. :)

Perfection.

"I'm not good enough..."


How many times do you tell yourself that in a day? Be honest, we all do it. It's definitely a flaw that I have and a problem I face. I catch myself saying "I'm not good enough for him," "I'm not good enough to be in that show," "I'm not good enough to get there" or "I'm not good enough for this or that" "I'm not pretty enough," or "I'm not skinny enough, funny enough, sweet enough, etc".... literally daily. But honestly, who's the judge of that? Who is it that can tell you you're not good enough? YOU are your worst critic. We are all flawed. It's the realizing, accepting, and getting over the fact, that's the hard part. I am really hard on myself. I'm open-minded and pretty non-judgmental... except for toward myself. I realized that I don't really judge other people in their way life- decisions, choices, experiences they are having and making... but me.. I am CONSTANTLY judging myself, putting myself down, comparing myself to all those around me. 


I went to the lake today with some friends and of course, I couldn't help but compare myself to all the other girls that were there. Longing for her body, or her swim suit, her hair; wishing I had her clear, tan skin, or her perfectly curved, toned, and sexy body. And of course, it made me feel like crap. Why do we do that? Why are we always comparing ourselves to everyone and and everything else around us? Because we strive to be perfect? Well, what is the definition of perfection anyway?


PERFECTION: the highest degree of proficiency, skill, or excellence, as in some art.


As far as I'm concerned, no one is perfect. We are all flawed, and we are all learning.
Yet, at the same time.. we are all Perfect. We are perfect beings living in a perfect world. Because what would life be without chaos, destruction, and heartache? It would be boring, right? It may sound wonderful, but it just wouldn't be real, or honest.


I'm going to try my hardest to focus on positive things about myself and really try to learn to appreciate who I am. Once I learn appreciation, maybe I'll be able to progress from there, and grow to love the person I am, flawed or not. I will always have problems. But if I'm focusing on positive things, I will attract more positive things in my life. And right now, that's something I really need. Maybe other people will learn to love and appreciate me as well, when I can learn to truly love myself.

It's not who you are that holds you back, it's who you think you're not.

A True Hero

One year ago the world lost a very inspirational man. My Grandpa Jack Lloyd Oram. He passed away on June 6, 2010. It's hard to believe that it's really been a year already. I remember it like it was yesterday. My dad telling me that he was struggling, and we needed to go up north for a few days, possibly to say goodbye. It killed me. I bawled and bawled. I had had plans already, but knew that for some reason, I needed to make that trip. I hated the thought that it might really be the last time I'd see my dear Grandpa. He was a true hero.

Seeing him lying there in that hospital bed was one of the hardest things for me to bear. Not coherent, unable to respond. He didn't look comfortable, happy, like himself at all. Holding his unresponsive hand, squeezing to say hello, and him not squeezing back. It was an emotional couple of days. A roller coaster of thinking he wasn't going to make it, then thinking he was going to be just fine and would recover, back and forth for two days. But, the end result wasn't positive. He left us at 11:54 in the morning. After taking out the breathing tubes and disconnecting the machines, he fought it out for a few minutes. Took a few deep, surviving breaths. Such a hard moment for us all, watching this man whom we all loved deeply, fight for his own life, knowing what the outcome would be; and telling him that it was okay, he could move on. Then... it stopped. And we knew he was gone. The pain was almost unbearable. He was the greatest man I've ever known. I still learn from him today. He cared for and loved everyone. He was open-minded, accepting, loving, sweet, funny... but most of all, he was just himself. He didn't let other people control his life, or tell him who he was or needed to be. He was his own person. And I respect him so much.

Grandpa loved to hear me sing. He was so supportive. "Good job, babe!" he'd say to me with a huge grin on face, as he gave me a big hug. Everytime. Even if he never expressed it, I know that he believed in me, and would be my number one fan. I know that he was proud, and still is, and will be when my dream comes true. I wish so badly that he was still here, to watch me grow, see me progress, meet my future family, and watch me perform. I know he'll still be watching over me from wherever he's at, but I wish I could see that addicting smile again, get that warm greeting, that loving hug. I loved spending time with him. You were always in for a good laugh when he was around. Funniest man to exist.

Any person you ask that knew Grandpa would tell you the same thing. He truly was the most kind, respectful, loving, humorous human being you could meet. He befriended and respected all, and with his radiant personality, it wasn't hard to WANT to be his friend. Everyone loved being around good ole gramps. All my close friends knew Grandpa, would go over and visit, get some fudge at Christmas time and be sure to say hello whenever they went to Granny Annies. He was sure to be there every time. He practically lived there, sharing his daily cup or two of coffee with his buddies. Wish I could've gone and shared a cup of coffee with him before he left. I had a special connection with Grandpa. One that no one else shared, but me. On his 64th Birthday, April 22, 1992... he received a very special gift. His first granddaughter. Me. All my cousins are boys on that side of the family. 6 grandsons, then they had me. They got two more girls after that, my sisters. And of course, two more boys, the twins. But I still feel like the special girl. ;) Sharing a birthday with Grandpa was such an honor, and I always felt a special connection to him because of it. I loved getting a phone call from him saying "Happy Birthday Babe!" and I'd say "Thanks Grandpa, you too!" and we'd laugh and joke about how old he was. I looked forward to that every year. This past year was hard. Grandma came to visit, but Grandpa wasn't here. It felt like something was missing. Which, it was. It's still hard to believe that he's really gone. Sometimes I still expect to see him, or get a call from him. Then I wake up, reality hits me, and realize that he really is gone.

I miss Grandpa more than anything. I lost my hero, my friend, my grandpa, my mentor. He continues to inspire and teach me today. I know he's looking out for me. I love you Gramps! Hope you're still proud of your first granddaughter.

This is dear, sweet Grandpa Jack, with his classic addicting smile. :) He was always so happy. Thanks for everything you did, Gramps. You left a legacy, and are remembered by all. Love you so much. Continue to rest in peace.