A Rising Star

The other day as I was driving in my car, on a warm sunny St. George day with the windows rolled down, heading back to school from my lunch break, I found inspiration. I haven't written a blog in over 5 months... But why? What was I waiting for? Waiting for something big to happen to me that I could write about? Waiting for inspiration? Waiting for myself to come up with something clever to say? And, I honestly don't know the answer. Maybe I was purely just being lazy. But writing is healing to me. I find peace and comfort in expressing myself with simple words. It's easier for me to let these emotions flow not out loud, but on paper, or in this case, on a computer screen. Now, most of you probably know that I desire to become a singer. And along with that, I have a folder top FULL of songs. Songs that I have written myself. Most of them are just lyrics on a sheet of paper right now, but they mean something to me. Each of those songs, each lyric on that simple piece of paper came from somewhere inside of me. They are me. Each song is dedicated to a specific person or event in my life. Each one has meaning, has heart, has a background. Each one tells a story. And maybe that's cliche, but I have to write about something, it has to hold importance to me. But that also makes me unique. It puts me in a position of vulnerability, allowing the world to take a peek into my personal life, allowing people to see the real me. Because those words are my feelings, my hopes, my dreams, my emotions, my heart, and my soul. And I hope with every ounce of my being that people will not only like my music, but if at least ONE person, one, is able to relate to something I wrote; that is more than I could ever ask for. That I could give even just one girl, or one boy that spark of hope, the support they need to keep going, or the understanding of knowing what him/her is going through... is incredible to me. I have SO much passion for performing. For singing especially. It's what I love more than anything in this world, and is what keeps me going and pushing through each day. It's the only thing I want to do for the rest of my life. I am having THE hardest time with hair school right now. I'm simply not happy. And it's because I feel like I'm not doing what I really WANT and KNOW I need to be doing with my life. Going to hair school was my plan B, my backup plan, a way for me to (once I graduate) make good money while trying to get myself discovered. But it's tough. I don't know how much I'm even going to use my license and these skills I'm learning once I graduate. Every single day I ask myself what I'm doing there. Why I'm in hair school and not just constantly working on getting myself out there. Well, I've been told SO many times in the past that I can't do it. That I will never make it. Which is why I think I doubt myself so much. It hasn't been until recently that I've actually felt some support, from the girls I've met at hair school and a few others. There are people who believe in me, even a few who believe in me more than I believe in myself. Who constantly remind me that I CAN do this, and to never give up on my dreams. We were having a discussion about passion in hair school last week, and of course I talked about singing being my passion. One girl noted that it seems to be those who have constantly been told, "you can't do it", "you're not good enough", "you'll never make it", who go the farthest. So I am determined to prove every person wrong who has ever told me that I can't..... that I CAN. And they will give me the drive to become better, stronger, and rise to the top. I grew up a very shy little girl. Softspoken and naive. I always knew that I loved singing, and I've been singing for as long as I can remember. But I was never really open about it. I kept my voice to myself mostly. I performed in choirs and lots of different groups throughout my childhood, but it was when I booked a lead in my 9th grade musical that I really started to shine. It was the 2nd musical I'd ever done, the year before we did Annie and I was radio singer. This year, Kaysville Junior High was to present Oklahoma! I was 14. I wanted to play the part of Laurie, and I was called back for both her and Ado Annie. In call backs, I was paired up with my best friend Mark to read for the part of Will, and I as Ado Annie. I also had the biggest crush on him at the time too. The second we started reading for the parts together, everyone knew we'd be cast in the roles. The chemistry was instantaneous and perfect. My family came to see the show, of course. And my parents have told me later on that when I came out on stage to sing my big solo "I Cain't Say No" they were literally shocked. I mean, they knew I could sing, but they had no idea what I was capable of. Because I'd kept it so quiet throughout my lifetime. But I was hooked. I discovered my absolute passion, and knew I could never live without it. You put me on a stage, and I transformed. It's like a completely different girl comes out. I am very self-conscious. I have a low self-esteem and not much self confidence. I am afraid of others judging me and hate it when people dislike me. Which seems weird that I would crave the stage so much right? It puts you in the highest position of  vulnerability to be judged and watched. All eyes are on you. But you know what? I don't care. I love it. The stage is my home. It's my comfort zone. It's the place I'd much rather be over anywhere else in the world. I am most myself in that position. I can express myself so much easier through song than I ever could just speaking. It hits home for me. Music is so incredibly powerful. One of my amazing teachers/musical director's in high school told us that in a musical, a song is placed where the emotion is SO powerful that you can't just express it in dialogue. It has to be expressed through song, because the stakes are that much higher and the emotion just bursts! And that's how it is for me too. Writing songs is so healing. It's how I pull myself up when I'm feeling down, how I cope with and mend my broken heart, how I express deep feelings of love, adoration, and loneliness. I express myself through song, through lyrics, through music. It's like when you're driving in your car with the radio on, a song comes on and you realize just how perfect it is for that exact moment in time. Everyone can feel it, how powerful the emotion is that connects to the listener. Obviously different people will interpret songs differently and we all have our own opinions and ways of thinking, but even still; each of those listeners was affected in some way. I have moments of self-doubt. Lots of them. Moments when I wonder what the hell I'm thinking in wanting to become a singer. Moments when I wonder why I have such big dreams. Why couldn't I wish to become something much more easily attainable? Moments when I realize how many other girls there are out there, just like me, who want the exact same thing... so why on earth would anyone ever pick me? Well I need to realize that these questions don't matter. I have to stop asking them. And need to start believing in myself. Because without my own support, I am nothing, and I will get no where. And that would be a huge waste. I will never give up. I will work and work and work until I make it. Because I feel that I have so much to share. I desire to share my voice, my talent, and my music with the world. I know it's going to be hard, and I know that I will have to fight harder than I've ever fought, because I'm not perfect.. but in the end, it will all be worth it. I'll be able to look back and say, "I did it". And that is the biggest accomplishment.